Haunted

Before we knew (okay I always knew something was up, but we didn't know in a clinical way what was going on) for sure that Eli was different, we had a rough night with Eli.  As I held him and rocked him in my arms and hummed to him, he couldn't be calmed and he was so restless and upset, but I just talked to him said, "Please stay mama's baby boy forever."  Dave stopped me quickly and said, "Don't say that!"  I know he knew what I meant; I was cherishing those moments of my littlest guy in my arms all content to rely on me for his every need.  They grow up all to fast.  But as a parent the scary things loom in the back of your mind.  What if something happens to him and he doesn't grow up?  What if something happens and he remains in a baby state for the rest of his life?  What if ... what if ... what if?  Well if it happened then I wished it.  I did that.  And logically my wishing it doesn't make it so- wouldn't that be nice? I wish for world peace!

And now he we are.  No one can possibly know what the future holds for any person, especially a young child.  But it is more likely than not that Eli will always live at home.  He likely won't get married and have a family.  He will need us much as a young child needs their parents, for the rest of his life.  I am okay with this.  It is sad, it is hard, but I have come to a place where I have accepted Eli as he is and everything that means.  What I don't accept is .. I wished this.  I wished him to be a baby forever. 

Please stay mama's baby boy forever ... has haunted me since the day we were first told he is autistic.