Stick to your guns. This is a big one. My kids, if they can get away with something once, they will continue to push to get away with it again and again and again. So if I don't want to see that behavior, they aren't ever allowed to do it. It's just easier that way. And expectations made clear make for a more secure space for the kids. It took me a long time to come to this one and to stick to it myself. I always wanted to be the good guy and the friendly mommy. But it just wasn't working! So now, no means no.
Praise praise praise. When kids feel confident and loved they are more apt to want to behave and gain that praise. If the good never gets recognized the child feels unnoticed and will do ANYTHING to get noticed, even if it's in a negative light.
Tell them what they CAN do instead of what they CAN'T do. They're young, they don't know what to do instead. So when I say no don't do that, what are they to do? When left to their own devices my children ... well let's just say they're a creative bunch, these kids! So if I say no, I try to also tell them what they can do. Sometimes I avoid no all together and leave it for bigger situations. Not everything has to be about correcting them. If they're throwing the ball and it repeatedly ends up in the street, I can say no all I want and it might get through, but maybe what they need to hear instead is that they should stand in the yard so they are throwing the ball sideways across the yard and not directly to the street.
Now that the older two kids are getting ... well older, it's become less simple and less clear cut. We've added consequences to the table. Certain things are not acceptable, ever, no matter what. Hitting, disrespect, name calling, uncontrolled anger that is violent and could hurt someone, and choosing not to listen are the big things not to do around these parts. It's been tricky finding a punishment that fits the crime. It's different with each of them. They all respond in different ways to different things. For now I'm still flying by the seat of my pants and figuring this one out per incident.
Responsibility. I know they're young, but responsibility has to start somewhere. And it's fine for me if it starts simple. This is a big big world we live in and they need many tools to navigate it on their own eventually. I say it's never to early to start learning these tools, in age appropriate ways. I've also noticed that when they help out, they feel a sense of accomplishment and they are happier overall. And that usually means they are more likely to behave and more willing to just lend a hand because they want to.
Overall I try to build my kids up. I definitely play on the fact that they enjoy feeling good about themselves and accomplished. They love to be good people and to feel good about themselves. They generally like to help other people and pitch in. They notice that making other people feel good makes them feel good. And who doesn't like to feel good?
This was all fine and good and going just swimmingly ... until autism that is. Now there is no seat of my pants and there is no plan, there is no outline of a plan even. So if I can't just wing it and I can't fall back on a plan, what am I to do? Nothing I've done as a parent for the past 9 and half years has prepared me to parent a child with special needs. I'm trying! It's like learning a new language, but without a teacher, without a book.
Basically I've been dumped off in Greece and told "go for it!" and I'm just hoping we all make it back home unscathed. Of course I'm not sure we will ever make it back to our original home. I'm pretty sure we're stuck in Greece and we will just need to build a new home. And over time I know this will become home and it will be like all of this hard stuff wasn't so hard after all. But right now? I'm lost in a new country and scared that I'm going to mess something up!
Eli doesn't respond to much of anything. Telling him no seems to hold no meaning. Or it makes him lose it entirely and he just breaks down sobbing. Time outs? Laughable. He doesn't get it. Praising him doesn't seem to hold much weight either.
Eli definitely likes to accomplish tasks. Like physical things. He loves to have jobs to do. He just adores throwing things into the shopping cart (we've worked on this and thankfully now he is only throwing things we need and not random glass jars) and yelling "Yay! I did it!" But that seems to be different for him than us just telling him good job or way to do.
I can stick to my guns with Eli, and it is important, but I have to constantly stick to said gun. It isn't that I keep the same expectation over and over and then he automatically gets it for the future. No, I have to stick to every gun, always. Over and over. There doesn't seem to be a carry over here.
Eli gets tons of praise all over the place. He does enjoy praise, but again, it's situational, it lasts for the moment and doesn't seem to carry over. And it's different for him than it is for the older kids. I can't quite explain it, but it doesn't seem to impact him like it's always seemed to impact the older kids.
Eli doesn't recognize other people's emotions (or his own for that matter) and they don't seem to impact him at all. He gets scared when people cry sometimes. I think he is beginning to show somewhat of an understanding of emotions, but I can't tell if he truly comprehends it or if he is recognizing key things he's learned in therapy. He certainly doesn't know what to make of any of it yet. So helping him to feel good by helping others feel good is not happening.
This world is largely unknown to Eli. And the fact that everything is always changing and things are not always the same is very hard for him. Sure we go shopping and the basic principle is always the same: we go in the car, we go into a store and we buy things and we go home. But, we buy different things, we take a different path in the store, we run into different people and different sights and different sounds.
When things are uncertain Eli feels the need to gain and maintain some control. This usually comes in the form of Eli needing to lead the way. As you can imagine this is no conducive to actually shopping. But if Eli can't have this control he melts down. With any other child I would ignore the melt down and keep on keeping on. I would give it no attention. Well this doesn't work with Eli. A meltdown leads to much worse things for a spectrum kid.
But to give in? That doesn't make much sense either. This goes against everything I've ever learned as a mommy! If you give in then they learn well all I have to do is throw a fit and I get what I want. But it doesn't quite work that way for Eli. When he's melting down he isn't in a good place. He isn't melting down to get his way. He's melting down because he is overwhelmed and not understanding the situation and because he just plain can't handle it. But still, I hate to simply give in.
For now we have been compromising ... we find some way to help him "earn" the give in. We use a lot of "first and then" and we let him know he can do what it is he wants to do (which is actually what he needs to do to feel okay in an unorganized environment) but first he needs to -insert whatever the situation calls for here- and then he can be the leader for a little bit. So really we have given in, our shopping is put on hold and he gets what he
I am learning to slow down, to have more patience and to have fewer crazy expectations. It doesn't all have to be done "right" or even as it's always been done. As long as it's gets done and no one has been hurt, it's a win these days.
Everything is different with Eli. None of the "rules" seem to apply. None of my 9 years of tools or tricks work! I am relearning and rebuilding my arsenal. I just hope that as I am learning I am not causing any sort of damage to my littlest guy. I know everyone is benefiting here; I'm learning and growing and Eli is largely okay. He needs me to learn and grow so I can be the best mommy I can be for him. And I'm sure growing my patience is something the older kids will appreciate too!
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