Vera is amazing with Eli. It's like it comes naturally to her. She just works with him and rolls with the punches that are autism. He adores her and she adores him. I really appreciate how she is with him. I am so proud of her. At times I do find myself feeling a touch sad for her. This is more than any kid should have to cope with. She can't just play with her little brother. It's more complicated than that. But, I know that in the end she will be a stronger, more tolerant and compassionate person with a huge heart. I trust in that.
Wesley is not so amazing with Eli. I don't in any way blame him. Mostly I blame myself. Maybe I haven't done enough to help him understand. Maybe I expect too much of him. Maybe I ask too much of him in moments of stress. Maybe I haven't explained any of this to him in a way he can truly understand. Maybe I don't let him be the kid he is and needs to be. Maybe I ask too much of such a young guy. I struggle with this often.
Normal got thrown out the window a long time ago. There is no normal. Everyone has had to take on a little more than they would have other wise. It isn't easy or fair for anyone in our family. None of us asked for this, expected it or have a magical solution to help cope with it. We have all had to grieve, adjust and learn and grow through this ... with much more to go.
So sure it isn't fair. Isn't fair to Eli that this world isn't made for him and he isn't made for it. It isn't fair to the big kids that they have to adjust and adapt their ways to better suit their little brother who is often lost in the confusion that to him is the world we do just fine in and take for granted. I've never questioned if it's fair for me or Dave. That much doesn't even enter into the equation. Fair or unfair doesn't matter when you're the mama. You just do.
When we decided to have our littlest man we knew like any parent knows that having a child is a whole bunch of unknowns and it's all awesome and amazing and it is what it is. We accepted this when we decided to conceive Eli. Even if we didn't speak of it, we knew and we were cool with it. So I am okay with it. I always figured I could handle it all, whatever it was. It isn't unfair for me. I'm coping, I'm dealing and I am just doing what I can to help Eli be the best Eli he can be and to help to big kids accept and adjust.
When Eli was diagnosed I immediately thought of him. What does this mean for him? Will he ever go to a regular school? Will he have girlfriends? Friendships? Will he go to college? Will he get married? Have kids? Will he always live at home? Is he going to be able to talk? Will he be okay? Will he feel secure? Will he learn to adapt? Is he going to feel emotions like we do? Will he know we love him? Will he ever look me in the eyes and not immediately look away? I didn't even think of the older two kids.
And for that I'm the jerk. I was so wrapped up in what this all meant for Eli that I forgot about them. Since then I have taken a step back and I have thought of them and what this means for them. We answer questions, no matter how difficult, and we talk about it whenever they want to. We help them understand Eli and why he does what he does. They take part in some of his therapies. We include them in everything. But today showed that it just isn't enough sometimes.
Wes can be down right mean to Eli. Today was one of those days. And I found myself beyond frustrated with Wes. Why can't he just understand? Why doesn't he just get it? Why can't he just help Eli? Why does he have to be so difficult and make everything as challenging as possible for Eli. It was a damn marker .. why did Wes freak out that Eli had a marker? It was a marker! Even if it was his marker, it was just a marker. And yet Wes freaked out to the point that he was yelling and stomping and grabbing from Eli. And Eli in turn couldn't handle the commotion and began to smash the marker into the marker board. And so the marker got ruined and Wes lost it even further.
So I told Wes he needed to listen. And I said (this is where the awesome parenting comes into play, take notes...) "Wes, stop being a jerk to Eli. He isn't normal. He's different and he's never going to be normal. There is no need to be a jerk." And then tears started to fall and it hit me: Wes needs as much during all of this as Eli does. Wes needs me to be tender and explain things, not snap at him and call him names. And I tried to keep talking, but I couldn't. I just sat there crying, while Wes looked all bewildered and quietly asked Dave, "Why is she crying?" And Dave said, "Because she hurts. Because none of this is easy." And then we had a conversation about it all. A hard conversation filled with many tears, but a good conversation that needed to happen.
This isn't easy. It isn't easy for any of us. But I don't think it's supposed to be easy. Life takes work. And we'll make it, even if I call my kids jerk here and there.
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